Realist or Optimist? Relax.

Being Small: Held Tightly or Crushed?
What's your take?

I've noticed over the years that there is an epidemic spreading into the hearts of a great number, if not the majority, of young people. And, like all illnesses that are left untreated, the epidemic continues to spread and in the end causes an apathy that drains the soul of every flicker of excitement.

We are afraid.

The world for many of us has become a giant final exam. In the end we either pass or we fail. It is a game, where there is no tying and losing is not an option. Life has degenerated into a system of unwritten rules dictating how we ought to feel, act, behave, and in general look at the world in which we all too often pass through mechanically.

I thought it was only me.

I would wake up in the morning literally dreading having to face the system, the people, the "facade", and would go about my business purely from obligation. Even love had become an obligation, and thus not really love at all. Any glimmer of real love quite literally shocked me for its power, and scared me for my lack of control. Going to work I would park the car and sit in it just waiting for the anxiety of duty to win out over the anxiety of facing more people, more things to do. I would look for sacrifices, for heroics, for a chance to succeed - but always outside of the little things that were in front of me. I could not bring myself to say out loud the many things that I did wrong, the feelings of pride or anger, fear or envy - not even to God.  The question I constantly asked myself was WHY? Why should I do it? The answer - inevitably - was because I should, or because I had to, or because it was more perfect. Real Love cannot be born from such questions and answers. And underneath it all, buried below, was the recurring answer: Because if I don't, somehow in someway I'm a failure. I had become my own judge, and imposed my own pathetic perspectives onto the all Merciful, all Loving Father.

Years have opened my eyes not only to these movements in my own person, but to the awareness that - as alone as I've felt at times - I'm not the only one who experiences this fear of failure.  The majority of young people I've met have fear of failure to varying degrees, and for all of us it is a useless crutch. It is at the root of many of our decisions, or perhaps more appropriately - lack of decision, lack of commitment. Who can blame us? It is difficult to go forward when the thoughts and/or feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability clash with the fiery desire to be perfect, or at least to do great things.  When we seek to eliminate this clash on our own, the result comes predominantly in one of two forms: the "realist" and the "optimist". The "realist" resigns himself to being "inferior" and "incapable".   He does not think he can ever make himself "something" and quits or never even gets going. The "optimist", on the other hand, keeps moving forward with the expectation that one day (if he does everything right) he'll be a success! In essence, what he says is, "Once I've made myself the person that is worthy, then I'll get on with my life and with God!" In either case, trying to be the author of a Divine Work - our own happiness and salvation - leaves us with only an unfinished masterpiece.

This unfinished melody, this ache in our hearts, will remain with us until Christ can completely fill us in the Beatific Vision.  But, HE WANTS TO BEGIN NOW. Coming to grips with this fact there is a pardigm shift from self-made man or woman, with all that responsiblity, to a God-made man or woman, with all the freedom and security. There is a shift from being small and getting crushed, to being small and carried.

Slowly, the walls begin to fall. Life is not PASS or FAIL, RIGHT or WRONG , GOOD or BETTER.  It is about passing and failing, doing good and getting better, being wrong and making it right. Life is about trusting the work of God in our life, knowing that our worth far exceeds our own estimation, and striving one fall at a time to love Him in all things. Life is not about DOING anything, it is about BEING a woman, a man, a mother, a father, a brother, a sister - a child of God.